So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I’m in a rut and it sucks.
It’s like life is moving on far and fast and I’m standing still, this is a rant about life.
So recently I’ve been diagnosed with a few things and I’ve been in counselling and therapy, so 4 months ago I had a really bad time due to money worries, loneliness, lack of food, anxiety and probably a whole host of other issues yet to be unearthed.
I am diagnosed with Depression, Low mood and social anxiety, they also want to look into my borderline sociopathic tendencies (which I don’t believe I have but hey they are the doctors)
Recently speaking to my counselor/doctor we discussed a big part of my life (women) and it’s no joke it does seem to be a big messed up blur inside my brain. Firstly we discussed my mother, which I hold nothing but respect for and love her lots. But then we spoke about my dating habits, and well gonna put it bluntly, its a car crash. I always seem to attract the broken, or the less held together (forgive me for the terms, but I don’t know how else to describe them) one of my first relationships was with a girl who had multiple personality disorder, and I don’t know which one of her broke up with me but they all hated me, apparently. I dated a girl with self confidence issues and a farther complex. Fast forward to the more recent ones and well, there was a girl who I basically saved her life and risked so much for her and I don’t know what went wrong but she hates me now, then there was my most recent “big Ex” and she was wonderful, still is and I wish it would have ended better, she had PTSD, I loved her so much it broke me like you won’t believe, I still miss her but respect her enough to leave her be. After her I had truly lost everything. Recently I’ve dated a few people here and there (cough cough Tinder) but nothing relationship worthy, oh and I casually fell for my best friend who I’d die for but I could never be with her [It’s complicated].
Side tracked slightly there but anyway, after a few discussions with the doctor, they pointed out that I always attach myself to people who need someone, I need to be the strong one and I need the power, and it’s true, I need to protect, I need to be the strength they lack, I want to provide most of all I need to be needed. I asked my doctor if it was wrong, if i was a bad person (I feel it) and the doctor said “no comment”.
So there you go the last 3 appointments summed up in 3 paragraphs, I’m way too simple.
Recently I’ve been hearing voices too, nothing bad, not “i HeAr DeAd PeOpLe” kind of stuff, but it started a few months back, close to five months ago, at first it was like nondescript chatter like someone in another room or something and it was never directive, as soon as I recognised it it was gone, and it was far and few apart, I put it down to me spending too long alone or playing too many video games, but about 3 months ago after my second incident the chatter became more frequent and more like chatter in my ear, almost like it was someone speaking in my ear, and it spooked me out, and it was never my inner voice, it was a different tones and pitches, like multiple people, there are at least 2 females and 2 male voices that I can pick out that are not my own voice, which is the strangest thing, it’s hard to imagine and harder to describe, but it’s like other people talking to me, on one occasion one of the female voices said “wake up” as I was drifting off to sleep, safe to say I didn’t sleep that night. Most recently the voices have developed conversation and they don’t snap away, it’s like they try to talk to me. I am reluctant to indulge the voices as I’m not crazy I don’t talk to disembodied voices, but that doesn’t make them any less a concern unfortunately. The doctor has told me that as long as the voices are not hostile or influencing my actions then it’s okay, I disagree, but then again I’m not a medical professional.
Some of what I’ve herd recently has been right in my ear as though I am being spoken too directly, it’s always “don’t take your anti-depressants tonight” or “pick up the pace Nikki” and I hate being called Nikki.
Also I’ve been having strangely impulsive thoughts like causing grievously bodily harm or hurting myself but I never act on these. I’m smarter that that I promise you. But I discuss this with the doctors and I get the, “so long as your not acting on it then it’s okay” but I somehow don’t think it’s normal.
Most of you think I’m mad, or making it up, and I say think what you want to but I have no reason to lie or make this up.
The stress at work has been piling up, I feel I’m working the supervisors amount of work but not receiving the pay or benefits of such work, I’m not having time to myself, and my living situation isn’t the best, I haven’t played online video games in such a long while, which is a shame as it’s one of my outlets or ways to kick back and blow off steam. I’ve joined the gym and found out I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and I kick and punch a lot harder than I used too, but I suppose that the gym is good for me, they say healthy body healthy mind. Although my diet is quite poor and harrowing, I can’t kick my sugar addition and I picked up smoking (I know it’s a bad habit but I need something) I feel stable and unstable all at the same time and it’s so weird. Like I’m clear and know what’s going on, and at the same time I just want to break down and cry and it’s all cloudy. When I’m down I can’t get back up and I just want it to end, and the when I’m having a good day it’s like there is no stopping my progression.
I’ve written all of this in one night without knowing where it was going and it all makes sense but if I try and write some of my book (that I’ve been working on for over 7 years) I hit a blank and I go nowhere, I can doodle a masterpiece in 30 mins but when I sit down to draw I end up with a 5 year olds’ depiction of a rats ass for art and it frustrates me being in such a rut.