Feeling – Poem by Nic

There was no clam before the storm, no whistle before the wind and no shadows from the moon.
The cold glass clinked, the footsteps echoed and the hum of static thick through the air.

It is the warm unpleasant damp smell of rain on a summer afternoon, the feeling in your jaw in an anxious moment, the sudden feeling that you are standing and looking at your life through a third person almost standing behind yourself.

The breath you take when you are all alone, the breath you hold when you are not.

That hope or wish that is silly and makes no sense, yet you try again because it worked last time, that minor despair as it doesn’t happen the way you want it too, because there really was no way it would.

Or knocking a door, the creak of the steps and the weight of your arms as they lift, the heart that races and the breath that quickens, the split second your fingers wrap at the door like a crow knock knock knocking at the door, your heart can’t take it. It opens to disbelief and the weight is lifted, and smiles at you, I’ve missed this.

The sitting in a room with worry and nerves for ruining what has come, the words you want to say and the hopes you hold are to be put to rest again, the words you speak are not what you truly want to say.

Despite all of the feelings falling upon me seconds pass to minutes and hours bleed into days, and i feel alive, i feel love and heartbreak. It’s not bad and it’s not good, but at least to feel again is to feel alive.


I Miss You… I Can’t Have You.

I’m stuck | Is this okay?

So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, I’m in a rut and it sucks.

It’s like life is moving on far and fast and I’m standing still, this is a rant about life.

So recently I’ve been diagnosed with a few things and I’ve been in counselling and therapy, so 4 months ago I had a really bad time due to money worries, loneliness, lack of food, anxiety and probably a whole host of other issues yet to be unearthed.
I am diagnosed with Depression, Low mood and social anxiety, they also want to look into my borderline sociopathic tendencies (which I don’t believe I have but hey they are the doctors)

Recently speaking to my counselor/doctor we discussed a big part of my life (women) and it’s no joke it does seem to be a big messed up blur inside my brain. Firstly we discussed my mother, which I hold nothing but respect for and love her lots. But then we spoke about my dating habits, and well gonna put it bluntly, its a car crash. I always seem to attract the broken, or the less held together (forgive me for the terms, but I don’t know how else to describe them) one of my first relationships was with a girl who had multiple personality disorder, and I don’t know which one of her broke up with me but they all hated me, apparently. I dated a girl with self confidence issues and a farther complex. Fast forward to the more recent ones and well, there was a girl who I basically saved her life and risked so much for her and I don’t know what went wrong but she hates me now, then there was my most recent “big Ex” and she was wonderful, still is and I wish it would have ended better, she had PTSD, I loved her so much it broke me like you won’t believe, I still miss her but respect her enough to leave her be. After her I had truly lost everything. Recently I’ve dated a few people here and there (cough cough Tinder) but nothing relationship worthy, oh and I casually fell for my best friend who I’d die for but I could never be with her [It’s complicated].
Side tracked slightly there but anyway, after a few discussions with the doctor, they pointed out that I always attach myself to people who need someone, I need to be the strong one and I need the power, and it’s true, I need to protect, I need to be the strength they lack, I want to provide most of all I need to be needed. I asked my doctor if it was wrong, if i was a bad person (I feel it) and the doctor said “no comment”.

So there you go the last 3 appointments summed up in 3 paragraphs, I’m way too simple.

Recently I’ve been hearing voices too, nothing bad, not “i HeAr DeAd PeOpLe” kind of stuff, but it started a few months back, close to five months ago, at first it was like nondescript chatter like someone in another room or something and it was never directive, as soon as I recognised it it was gone, and it was far and few apart, I put it down to me spending too long alone or playing too many video games, but about 3 months ago after my second incident the chatter became more frequent and more like chatter in my ear, almost like it was someone speaking in my ear, and it spooked me out, and it was never my inner voice, it was a different tones and pitches, like multiple people, there are at least 2 females and 2 male voices that I can pick out that are not my own voice, which is the strangest thing, it’s hard to imagine and harder to describe, but it’s like other people talking to me, on one occasion one of the female voices said “wake up” as I was drifting off to sleep, safe to say I didn’t sleep that night. Most recently the voices have developed conversation and they don’t snap away, it’s like they try to talk to me. I am reluctant to indulge the voices as I’m not crazy I don’t talk to disembodied voices, but that doesn’t make them any less a concern unfortunately. The doctor has told me that as long as the voices are not hostile or influencing my actions then it’s okay, I disagree, but then again I’m not a medical professional.
Some of what I’ve herd recently has been right in my ear as though I am being spoken too directly, it’s always “don’t take your anti-depressants tonight” or “pick up the pace Nikki” and I hate being called Nikki.

Also I’ve been having strangely impulsive thoughts like causing grievously bodily harm or hurting myself but I never act on these. I’m smarter that that I promise you. But I discuss this with the doctors and I get the, “so long as your not acting on it then it’s okay” but I somehow don’t think it’s normal.

Most of you think I’m mad, or making it up, and I say think what you want to but I have no reason to lie or make this up.

The stress at work has been piling up, I feel I’m working the supervisors amount of work but not receiving the pay or benefits of such work, I’m not having time to myself, and my living situation isn’t the best, I haven’t played online video games in such a long while, which is a shame as it’s one of my outlets or ways to kick back and blow off steam. I’ve joined the gym and found out I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and I kick and punch a lot harder than I used too, but I suppose that the gym is good for me, they say healthy body healthy mind. Although my diet is quite poor and harrowing, I can’t kick my sugar addition and I picked up smoking (I know it’s a bad habit but I need something) I feel stable and unstable all at the same time and it’s so weird. Like I’m clear and know what’s going on, and at the same time I just want to break down and cry and it’s all cloudy. When I’m down I can’t get back up and I just want it to end, and the when I’m having a good day it’s like there is no stopping my progression.

I’ve written all of this in one night without knowing where it was going and it all makes sense but if I try and write some of my book (that I’ve been working on for over 7 years) I hit a blank and I go nowhere, I can doodle a masterpiece in 30 mins but when I sit down to draw I end up with a 5 year olds’ depiction of a rats ass for art and it frustrates me being in such a rut.

Seasons past | A post modern poem by Nic

She was spring, black hair small and petite, her smile brightened up the day and she was all too happy to help, her skin was golden much like her attitude.
The spring was nice, it was breezy and rainy sometime, but she made it all worth the while a long time ago but he thought fondly of spring.
Spring past, the daisies like her had moved on, and another waited her arms.

She was summer, her hair tawny red, she was older and beautiful, graceful and fun.
the summer was great and creative like her, the sun shone as her art danced a happy dance across the canvas. But soon the summer closed, the long days like her grew tired of him, he knew not what the summer longed for and he will never know.

She was autumn, her hair long and red, her skin pale as marble and life flowed around her, autumn was young and naive, the autumn would talk a lot about the days, and how they lasted, the autumn was the shortest season, as he couldn’t be in autumn always.
Autumn past with a short day they had all seen coming, he only hoped she would continue further more.

He sat and waited for winter, and looked forward the cold outdoors, the warm blankets at night and the cocoa with marshmallows, the cat on the lap, the brisk chill of the first snow. He waited wishing upon the other seasons, he waited and longed for more summer and autumn.
She will come he hoped.

____________

Following a few recent break ups, from a few good relationships he is not doing so well, he isn’t keeping his cool and his mood is getting lower. His job is getting harder and he is less of himself then he ever was before.
Everything is changing in front of his eyes and he knows not what to do next or before.

Apocalypse plan? | I have mine do you?

We all have one right? No just me then.
As it’s coming up to Halloween and everyone is getting their spooky on, and I do like a good scare although very little Halloween things actually scare me. What does however is the inevitable doom that is nuclear war and the post effects of such.

I saw this (video and article) a few days ago and it got me planning for nuclear war that may or may not happen. If i survive I’ll execute plan Apocalypse Plan A.
The TL;DR of them is that Europe is genuinely screwed and we will be in a nuclear winter if we survive the initial radiation deaths. the video shows what happens if Europe is hit with nukes from Russia and the USA, whilst the article tells us about the impact of a nuclear war between the US and Russia.
On a lighter note Zombie Land 2 Double Tap, comes out soon and I’m excited, so let’s throw in the zombie scenario too.
Either way my plan for both is the same.

So here is my small-ish how to guide on how to survive the wasteland and fallout aftermath (if you survive)

Just as a warning, this is a creative writing piece and nothing more, take nothing more from this than it’s purely creative essence.

First what are the 3 things you will need in an apocalypse?
I bet you’ve guessed wrong already.
1. Food is obvious, but safe food is better (tinned food and pickled food has the longest life expectancy and can nearly almost last forever, so stock pile it. problem is it’s heavy and not easily transported)
2. Water (again safe water) It may sound gross but you’ll need water from any non-contaminated source (Best case you get bottles and lots of them, worst case a toilet system or roof drain in the most extreme cases)
3. Toilet roll. Not joking, try and take a dump in the apocalypse and you’ll be missing 1 thing for sure.

Secondly you need a plan, my plan has kinks and loose ends, but hey it’s a plan.
As I am a UK resident and on an island it’s kind of hard to head anywhere safe, but I plan to just head north, and keep heading north until I hit the tip so Scotland at which time I plan to get or make a boat, yeah you herd me, some plan right?
But I’ll head to mainland Europe for a quick fuel up and pit stop before heading to my final destination (saying i make it that far) which is the Svalbard Global Seed Vault and quite literally the North pole.
You all call me mad, well let me tell you a secret, all the best people are.
I know no one else will be heading there so it’s safe, it’s not likely to be nuked and it has zero population (except the people who work their). Which means, safe safe and safe, if i can make a boat and get there, avoiding the mutant shark hydras on the way ofcourse, and all of the undead zombies from the radiation.
It’ll be cold, but hey, I might be able to grow veg in the nuked world after apoc day and the dead won’t follow where their flesh will burn.

So the problems with the plan thus far, say a nuke was dropped or exploded in high altitude anywhere in western Europe, well we have what you call an EMP or electromagnetic pulse, to simplify, all non-copper plated or lead sealed electronic devices will stop working on the spot, the nights will be dark and the panic will be mad, but you have to stay calm and just head to the coast asap. Second problem is navigation, how do you know what is north without your phone or a compass (by the way all magnets will play up too, so no relying on compasses). Finding north isn’t too hard, the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, if it’s mid-day look for the motorway and or freeway and take any north route and double check every few hours that your heading the same way. See easy.
Heading until I hit the Tip of Scotland, Aberdeen or Wick preferably. Travelling by motorway will be safest as no one else will be walking on this, bar the few who know what they are doing, stay out of the sight of the main stream hustle and bustle as it’s easier to feed one, two or five than it is ten, twenty or more.
Next rations and supplies, scavenge and take only what you need and leave the rest, look at the walking dead, zombieland, 28 days later and dawn of the dead, everyone travels light for a reason. So no snacking on them Cheetos and Monster energy cause it’s useless weight. Although always take 3 changes of clothes and lots of layers and sensible shoes.
Finally the boat and head to Europe, here is where it goes tits up, I have to prey and hope my boy scout navigation and boat making skills hold up or I die at sea. (and that’s the plan) well you get the idea.

Thirdly rules, you gotta have them and keep to them.
1. Cardio
2. Double Tap
3. Beware of Bathrooms…
Etc. and so on, but always go with the group is a good one, even if your plan makes the most sense and you are the only one that thinks so, go as a group.
Don’t die in vain.
Most importantly don’t regret the things you didn’t do.

“The old world is gone, so buckle up and pucker up pumpkin, the worlds got bite and you need it too.” – me 2019.

Lastly good luck.

____________

Well, thanks for reading, phew we made it.
Let’s hope we never have to resort to guides like this, but if we do, don’t forget to thank Nic for the great advice.
Sounds silly but I have a PDF print off of an in-depth how to survive the apocalypse that I wrote when I was a silly little teen day dreaming all the time, it might need updating (10 years ago or longer) but if I even need it it’s there.
How lame am I? It even starts with, ‘well it’s come to this and the worlds gone to sh*t.’

Let me know what you plans are below, don’t forget to share and look out for more blogs, I don’t upload often, unless I do.

Alpha Beta Omega?

Something has been said to me earlier, and it’s playing on my mind and so. Therefore making me unable to sleep without an internal debate.Today, i was told i was a beta male, now i’ve never gave it much thought, normally i’d pass it off. But for some reason it’s on my mind. With all that’s going on in life it just feels like a low blow i don’t need really.I don’t care much for alpha, beta, omega, sigma or whatever, but why am i labelled so?It just bothers me that no one sees me as strong, as nothing other than the skinny nerd who is socially inept. Yes my vocabulary is vast, my IQ is high and i dumb myself down for most people. Yes I’m good at art and gaming. But I’m also strong (surprisingly) I can box and do some martial arts, i have a strong immune system, I’m independent and most of all don’t give a crap about mainstream media or fads.So what about that makes me not an alpha? what about that labels me as a lesser man, what do people see when they don’t know me and is this what everyone thinks?

For clarity.!
Alpha male: a man tending to assume a dominant or domineering role in social or professional situations.
Beta male: a man tending to assume a passive or subservient role in social or professional situations.
Omega male: a man who chooses not to have a powerful or important role in a social or professional situation.

I just feel uneasy and unnecessaryly labeled in this fashion.

My internal voice screams, head to the gym and prove them wrong.
doesn’t sound like a bad plan.

Stars or grey – a post modern poem

As he looked up at the sky, the night was not black nor white nor dark,
The holes in the filled his vision, it was a full page of depth.
It was full of blue and red, swirles of green turquoise, colour all over.

Round and straight, they danced still almost like an oil painting still drying. Hung and yet left by the artist, claimed but still undone.

A line of stars flowed down, not left or right, north or south, but like a drawing on a page, with no end to the canvas.

It was crazy, time was nothing but a concept and perception was loose, every moment echoed a second and third, like a blur.

Lucid he was. Left cold by the moon, window open. Dull by the breeze. Numb was senselessly teetering.
The vivid augmentation and sweet smells left a hunger satisfied and greed peering overhill. But all of this to no avail for the wake whens’t it came would be and will come.
It shall bring back black and white.

The dream was lust, but was so sudden and soon, drowning in colour and taste.
the wake was life, but was so long and soon, shackled to the floor starved of oxygen.

___________

She is toxic while they pose freedom, but they hold my head down to avoid her gaze

My circumstances have changed greatly recently, i’ve been on the edge of the ledge for a while, life is like walking a tight rope, clowns above you below you, in-front and behind you not knowing if the net bellow you will actually catch you.
I’ve met someone, and i like them, but i feel guilty for liking them, like i shouldn’t be happy.
I don’t know what to say but i am scared, it’s like i’m living a facade and i know nothing of tomorrow.

Visual Novel update.

First of all, why have none of you poked me about keeping up with this, huh? How am I suppose to gage interest when no one asks.
Well here is a content update to keep that hype. HYPE.

Firstly I have a working title now, Project life time.
What do you think?

I have also been working on a few character designs recently too.

  • Unnamed #1
  • Unnamed #2
  • Unnamed #3 & #4

Firstly we have unnamed character 1, Blond hair and blue eyes. I’ve adopted an easy going anime style as mentioned in my last Visual novel blog. He is going to be a major character for the first part of the book and will influence how you, the player, will set the path you take. Hopefully being friendly, reliable and responsible with respects to the player.
Unnamed character 2 will be the first female that you will encounter. She will have brown hair and green eyes. I’m hoping to make her a more motherly or sisterly connection to the player, brining a sense that the player is not the be all and end all of the story (as I think that gets boring).
Thirdly, the last 2 unnamed characters are a mother and daughter duo that I was doodling a few weeks ago, I don’t think I’ll add them to the story, I just wanted to add more content to my blog as I had a few days of not contributing to my VN, I’ve been randomly slacking off.

As for adding story. So far i have about a page and a half of content and a long flow chart of possible out comes for chapter one. Screenshots may be added later.
To summarise the chapter, the player will ‘wake up’ and go through a ‘normal’ day, this is sort of the introductory level, meeting the characters and getting used to the story and backstory. Then it’ll move on to a small introductory decision about a coffee in a café, ultimately the decision won’t affect the story at all, but will get the player used to the system or clicking to interact with the story, and see how it changes.

As for backgrounds, which is one of the biggest and most important part of a VN as it describes the environment without words. I am really struggling heavily with this, it’s really hard as my drawing style really lacks detail and I hate working on detail in general, so drawing backgrounds forces me tackle this.

As you can see, this is simple and basic but still needs a lot of work. But i think it’s my best work yet.

Wish me luck guys, I’m hoping by next week to have a lot more done.
Tell me what you think, and if you have name ideas give me a shout, I might even design a character for you if it’s not too outrageous (meaning you get a shout out in the credits)

Cooking curry with Nic

So for a while now I’ve been making and recreating some of my favourite recipes and dishes that I’ve had in the last few months from restaurants around Coventry.

So I want to write up a few of these and maybe make a recipe book eventually. Here is this weeks concoction. A mild spice veg filled take on a Sagg Aloo. But I am yet to have a good name for it.
Serves 4
Can be vegetarian or chicken can be added if it doesn’t scratch that itch.

Ingredients:

  • 250g Fresh baby spinach
  • 1 large sweet red chilli (you can use 3 small hotter chillies if that takes your fancy)
  • Half a white onion
  • 2.tspn of slat
  • 1.tspn of brown sugar
  • 50g Pomodorino Tomatoes
  • 4 small sweet potatoes
  • Olive oil
  • Cumin, Ginger, Turmeric, Coriander

How to cook it

First chop the sweet potato into small cubes approximately 3-4cm and biol them for 10-12 mins. They should be soft but still firm enough to hold their shape.
Finely chop the onion and chilli together and cut 50g of the tomatoes in half.

Make sure to have sharp knives and be very careful when chopping, take extra care and take your time.

Next put a table spoon of Olive oil into a hot pan with slat, sugar and Turmeric and cumin.
After 30 seconds add the chopped onion.
When the onion has begun to brown add the chilli and tomatoes, leave them to cook for about 8-10 mins, stir occasionally. They should start to mulch together at this point.
Make sure to let it heat through evenly but don’t let it boil.

Drain and add the potatoes to the tomatoes, chilli and onion. Add the spinach and leave it to simmer for a further 4 minutes. The spinach should wilt at this point. Take it off the heat and serve with a naan bread.

I added chicken to this for an interesting twist as I felt it needed a bit of meat for myself.
To do this I took 200g of chicken breast and chopped it into medium chunks and browned it in a dry pan for 15 mins and stirred it into the final dish.

Here and back – a poem by Nic

A grassy bank that stretched out far far far beyond, the small dirt hill to his back, a road full of people with places to be and things to do.

“What have I?” Done with this he asked, and continued “Where shall I be going?”

Sitting perched, legs ready to stand, watching for someone, anyone.

“I wish that when I fall asleep tonight I could travel back 12 weeks, and I’d change it all”

He lost balance and fell back.

Black it went, cold it was, humid and nauseating.

The next 12 weeks went by and nothing could change, he made the same mistakes and the same problems occur.

Sitting on the green green grass, the hill to his back, the road in front.

“I wish that I could change it, when I fall asleep tonight I want to go back 12 weeks, and I will change”

And so again he fell back, doomed to repeat and relive that hell, knowing nothing would be different.

If only he had wished to learn from his regret and to never repeat it, that maybe he would be better.

______________

Do not wish to forget your regret or undo your actions, take them, hold them and learn from them, so that you may not make them again.